Hopefully the video below is viewable. Big belly laughs after dinner one night. It's usually Max who will keep Jake entertained.
During breakfast Chris and I are usually trying to pack our lunches and get ourselves ready for the day and at dinner we are trying to get our meal on the table and be able to eat it in time before the boys get upset and want to get out of their highchairs. Some days I'm not sure we taste our food, we eat so fast.
My work days are busy, so busy in fact that if I'm being honest, often I would forget about them. This would make me feel guilty. Then they started getting sick this winter and being at work when I felt I should be with them made me feel guilty. Taking off work to take them to the doctor made me feel guilty. Hectic mornings and rushing to work and stuck in traffic and late would make me feel guilty. Driving like a maniac to get home to see them and being stuck in traffic and late for the nanny would make me feel guilty. With the commute, we are gone 10.5 hours of the day. The long winter and sickness and the hours started to wear on our nanny and that made me feel guilty. And then it started to wear on me. I started to feel that I was missing time with them and if I could just have an extra day at home a week maybe things just wouldn't feel so rushed all the time.
I had Mommy guilt - I hated that a nanny was with the boys over 52 hours a week, I don't even work 50 hours a week and here she was day in and day out. I wanted to give her a break, but I didn't want to hire anyone else....truth was that I wanted to be that person. I had Wife guilt - home life felt rushed and stressful often. I thought if I could be home more maybe that would provide some relief. I knew I had a husband who would support my decision, but I also hated putting the extra working burden on him if I decided to cut hours. I had Work guilt - I didn't want to let my co-workers down by stepping back and more importantly I didn't want to let the owners down. All of this came to a head around Christmas time (although if you ask Chris he'll say it was two weeks after going back to work..). So for months I talked about it but was scared to pull the trigger and work up the courage to talk to my bosses. I worried about them saying no, I worried about this being detrimental to my career, I worried about how much my lifestyle would have to change. Cutting back hours meant less money and on my bucket list for the boys are family vacations on the beach in Charleston and Disney World and New York to visit their Aunt & Uncle, etc. And would cutting hours mean I had to start shopping only at garage sales?! haha.
Weighing all my "guilts" above, in the end it is the boys who I chose, of course, and I had a tearful conversation with my boss. It went better than I could have imagined and for that I am very grateful and thankful. No timeline on how long this will last and we'll see how it goes. For now, I'm really excited as it seems I have the best of both worlds. I'm hoping that life starts to feel like it's "slowing down" now that I can be at home more and I can be a more present Mommy to the boys. As well as do more "wife-like" things like have dinner ready for my husband when he gets home, all dressed in pearls and an apron. Cuz that stuff will happen now, right?!
Finally, I'll end this month's post with a little game. Can you spot the photo bomb below, aka Mr. Mischief? Cracks us up. Cheers to 10 months and new changes!!